If you live in Charlotte you know about those little green inch (canker) worms that pop up every year. The worms crawl up the tree and lay their eggs in the fall then hatch and descend from the trees in the spring. If people don’t perform the ritual of “tree banding” in the fall, these little bastards end up destroying everything months later. The prime victims are oak trees but when there is a major infestation (i.e. Commonwealth-Morningside 2005) no plant is safe.

So why don’t people just band their trees?

Because it sucks. Seriously. This is my first year as a homeowner so this is the first year I [1] Actually cared about inch worms and [2] got to experience the most horrible type of yardwork imaginable…tree banding…worst than gutters by a long shot. Here’s the rundown.

I have nine huge oak trees I need to band. I went to Myers Park Hardware and bought all the “necessary” supplies: Some foam gauze-type stuff, some cardboardy paper and this retched goo called Tanglefoot. I spent forty-damn-dollars.

I wrapped three of my trees in the gauze then put the strip of paper over it. This is when I discovered that I had sadly underestimated the amount of stuff I needed. On top of that, I also ran out of staples for my staple gun. So I had to nail the banding in. Nailing a tree is like killing a lady bug. Horrible.

Anyway, out of supplies for the time being, I proceed to the next step of schlepping the goo onto the band. Easy? Nope. This shit is made of caster oil. It’s like the ectoplasm Dr. Venkman gets slimed with in Ghostbusters. It gets all over you and your clothes. Horrible.

I get 33% of my trees banded nonetheless. Everything is all good until two days later when it rains. The paper starts drooping because of my nail usage. I’m pissed. I devise a plan.

Here is what I recommend if you have a ton of trees like me.

1. Get a huge roll of plastic wrap and wrap your tree. (I even cut the roll in half so it’s not as wide and ugly)
2. Put the goo on there.
3. Walk away.

You ask any canker-pro and he will tell you NOT to do this but I don’t care because I have better things to do. In addition to my trees, I have slack-ass neighbors whose trees hang over my property so I have to band theirs too.

Since I have both the right and wrong way implemented this year, I will re-post in the spring to document how well each method performs because one thing is for certain: these little fuckers must be stopped! Whether you use my method or spend $200 for the real deal PLEASE band your trees.

I hate worms.